7 Reasons Why England Can’t Win Ashes

1. The John Buchanan miasma. This should be the cinch;

2. By scheduling the opener in Cardiff, England essentially and inadvertently opted for an away match and lost the home advantage;

3. Keeping with his form book, Andrew Flintoff is destined to miss the bus to the ground on the most crucial day of the series;

4. By placing Matt Prior behind the stumps, England has made the prior announcement that they are taking Caught Behind and Stumping out of the equation. While this is very chivalrous of them, England’s bowling does not look good enough to get 20 Australian wickets sans these two crucial modes of dismissals,

5. Kevin Peter Pietersen, Order of the British Empire (OBE), would deliberately under-perform, fearing another Ashes triumph would invariably incur a similar mile-long obnoxious title which no 21st century man in his senses would fancy;

6. Cricket Australia’s threat of bringing back Buchanan, in case of an Ashes loss, ringing in ears, Ricky Ponting and his men would settle for nothing less than a win;

7. Leaving no stone unturned in their preparation, Australia had no less than F1 driver Mark Webber telling them how to run faster between wickets. Sadly, neither Lewis Hamilton nor Jenson Button displayed as much patriotism and bothered to turn up at the Poms practice.

Pix: Mike Egerton/EMPICS Sport

Buchanan's boot camp beans spilled!

Adam Gilchrist does not say whether Warne alluded to the female members in John Buchanan's family when he badmouthed the coach.

Gilly, however, does say that spin rivals Warne and Stuart McGill buried their hatchets and turned comrade-in-arms against Buchanan's boot camp idea.

Asked to strip down to the bare minimum, Gilchrist does not disclose his own brand but he 'reveals' Warne's uses 'Playboy' undies, memorably depicted in a UK tabloid.

Gilly tells when asked to deposit 'dependent medication', Mike Hussey handed over asthma inhaler, while Warne reluctantly submitted five packets of Benson & Hedges!

Gilly reveals their media manager, also put through the drill, threw up in a bush but survived to tell the tale.

Gilly divulges three guys had to share "a tin of chunky soup" and "half a loaf of bread" in dinner and there was neither cellphone nor any plump British nurse for Warne.

A grenade went off outside their camp and the cricketers had to run 5 km in pitch dark. While others started unpacking, Warne was busy with his "dependent medication" i.e. Benson & Hedges.

Now, don't tell me you need further reasons to buy "True Colours: My Life" by Adam Gilchrist.

Ashes: Food for thought

So England has a Cook (of mascara fame), Onions, a Swan with an extra N and Collingwood for firewood.

Their head chef Andy Flower is a worried man after told that it sounds like a perfect recipe for disaster.

Australia, on their part, has arrived in England with an entire McDonald!

I have never tasted Ashes but this one promises to be a finger-licking one!

Cry Eden, cry

Rows of empty galleries greet Tendulkar on his 12000th Test run but still I S Bindra’s Mohali;

Mumbaikars may have sold their soul to T20 and switched allegiance to YV Patil but still Sharad Pawar’s Wankhede;

Counterfeit tickets, counterfeit crowd, counterfeit administrators and still Arun Jaitley’s Kotla;

Lalit Modi’s indifference to anything not T20 shared by the entire Jaipur but still Sawai Man Singh;

Nagpur maybe a lemon as a venue but still Shashank Manohar’s VCA Stadium in Jamtha.

Once again, arguably the most hopelessly emotional bunch of cricket followers found them caught in the crossfire between egoistic administrators and their murky game.

Cry Eden cry.

Of sledging, charity and nirvana

* Steve Waugh, Father of the Theory of Mental Disintegration, supports a house for kids of lepers;

* Glenn McGrath, Sheikh of Sledge, champions breast cancer awareness;

* Adam Gilchrist, leading Foulinguist of his era, bats for disabled kids;

...and now...hold your breath...

* Ricky Ponting, cricket's own sledge-hammer, bats for cancer kids.

Trust me, even in the darkest hour, I had never given up. I knew remorse will gnaw at their vitals for all the effing pleasantries these motormouths showered on their opponents. I clung on to the hope that good sense would eventually prevail and once self-realisation enlightens their soul, they would seek atonement.

And they did.

May it rinse, cleans and wash their sins away and help them attain perfect nirvana.

Amen.

Roaring of the Pariah

Only those with a boulder for a heart would grudge Pakistan's T20 triumph. Let's admit, no other team needed it more.

For a nation where an entire generation is growing up inhaling air thick with gunpowder and switching on the TV only to be told where the last bomb had gone off, finally there is something to cheer about.

Despite all the pretensions, cricket can't heal the gaping wounds that terror inflicts daily on Pakistan's soul. But at least it can apply some balm and that's no mean achievement for any sport.

And it was sort of poetic justice that two terror-ravaged teams reached the T20 final, thus allowing their terrorised populace a fortnight long escape from reality.

Sangakkara, take a bow. Sri Lanka has been a jewel in cricket's crown but let's admit, Pakistan deserved it.

Who can grudge Younus Khan? A plain-speaking Pathan who is perhaps the biggest critic of his own brand of reluctant leadership. And still you had people who don't like him because he smiles even in defeat!

Shahid Afridi may not wield the most aesthetic willow but who can deny that he is an entertainer extraordinaire? It's players like him who bring people to ground and keep the game alive.

Unless Pakistan won it, how would you know that Abdul Razzaq is far better a player to waste his time plying trade in an irrelevant jambooree -- unseen, unsung.

Who grudges Misbah in his redemption? The albatross is finally off his neck and those mean jokes would no more ring in his ears.

It's sad that the Pakistani players are often perceived as a bunch of crooks always up some dirty tricks to make the ball behave as if it has a mind of its own. Often they are the butt of ugly commentary box jokes.

Is it just because they don't rattle in English? History witness, the Poms strayed into World Cup finals not once or twice but thrice but never really ran the risk of winning it despite speaking chaste English.

Well done, Pakistan!

Seven T20 World Cup truths

1. Reverse colonialism has hit England. How else you explain Collingwood and party getting booed in their own country!

2. You thought MS Dhoni is responsible for India’s failed T20 World Cup campaign only. Students from a Sikkim school have just served an eye-opener. MSD is apparently no less hazardous to Mother Earth than CFC;

3. Younis Khan is the lone cricketer with the distinction of having an X rated smile which threatens to incur censorship;

4. All these talk about Sehwag’s Grade I tear is bulls**t. In fact Pigeons**t, to be precise. Sehwag had a Pigeon perched on his shoulder right throughout IPL II and sources reveal its poisonous drop infected his shoulder;

5. Smart florists in Ranchi have started stacking their shop with effigies as well since either of the two is always in demand;

6. West Indies had plans to use Shivnarine Chanderpaul as opener in Twenty20 World Cup but it did not materialize since painting those eye-patches is a time-consuming exercise and ICC steadfastly refuses to keep play on hold till Lord Shiv is through with his war paint;

7. Doosra can safely reveal that England bowling coach Otis Gibson had sought tips from bar owners in India who told him that it's impossible to stop the Indian bats from going berserk unless you have enough bouncers. Gibson got the message and the rest, as they say, is geography...err I mean history.