Sunday, 20 April 2014

7 Facts You Didn't Know About Aamir Khan The Perfectionist

Aamir Khan’s perfectionism is legendary. Apparently, he compares photocopies with the original document just in case.

That he is a conscientious actor is also well known. As a teen, he was never found sitting on a ladies’ seat in a bus. He preferred to lie instead, friends narrate.

What is not so well-known is Aamir’s involvement in some of the celestial, mythical and mytholigical events that shaped the world we live in.

Cutting a long story short, below are the 7 Facts You Didn't Know About Aamir Khan The Conscientious Perfectionist:

1. When Moses parted sea, an unimpressed Aamir said it was far from a perfect job as the left part contained .025 litre more water than the right.

2. Aamir censured God for creating the world in six days, pointing out several flaws and demanding an explanation for His baffling haste in what was His most important project. "I often find six days inadequate to decide whether to put a dot at the end of my autograph or underline it and here you..."

3. Aamir criticised Jesus Christ for resurrecting without giving a notice, saying it could have been a nasty shock for the old people with heart ailments in Nazareth.

4. Aamir severely rebuked Noah for using gopherwood to build his boat when even a kid knows carbon fibre is a far better option. He demanded an unconditional apology from Noah for risking the lives of the precious animals all current animals owe their existence to.

5. Unicorns didn't simply vanish off the face of the earth. Aamir wrote a strongly-worded letter to God questioning the logic and aesthetics behind creating what was essentially a horse-with-a-horn, prompting Him to recall the whole batch of the creature.

6. Aamir delayed Hanuman's return with medicine from Gandhamadan Hills, asserting Sanjivani and Vishalya Karani were not to be sold over-the-counter. He insisted on seeing Dr Sushen's prescription, leading to a fracas which ended with Hanuman lifting the whole hill, along with Aamir, back to where Laxman lay unconscious.

7. Aamir invited the brave Garuda to Satyameva Jayate and asked him if he had checked if Ravana possessed a pollution-control certificate for his Pushpak Rath.

(It's an insignificant humour platform and means no disrespect to anyone. Can surely expect that much common sense? Thanks.)

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Yama-Yudhisthir Q&A 2

As you know, the big daddy of all quiz shows featured Yudhisthir in the hot seat and Yaksha, Yama in disguise, as the quiz master.

There was no 'lifeline' and Yudhisthir still cracked the quiz. The prize was a trip to Malaysia but post-MH370, Yudhisthir got it swapped for Sodexo coupons:-

Yama: What's indecision?
Yudhisthir: Sonu Nigam's state of mind when dealing with his hair.

Yama: What's inevitable?
Yudhisthir: Alleged death in your domestic help's family coinciding with the arrival of your guests.

Yama: What's ingenuity?
Yudhisthir: Mamata Banerjee's Ph D.

Yama: What's inner voice?
Yudhisthir: Borborygmus. Or rumbling of an empty stomach.

Yama: What's insomnia?
Yudhisthir: Best anti-burglary device.

Yama: What's insolvency?
Yudhisthir: Living off neighbour's wi-fi.

Yama: Hmm. Finally, what's life?
Yudhisthir: The passage from womb to tomb.


Thursday, 20 March 2014

Yama-Yudhisthir Q&A1

The big daddy of all quiz shows featured Yudhisthir in the hot seat and Yaksha, Yama in disguise, as the quiz master.

There was no 'lifeline' and Yudhisthir still cracked the quiz. The prize was a trip to Malaysia but post-MH370, Yudhisthir got it swapped for Sodexo coupons.

Yama: What is agony?
Yudhisthir: Loading your plate with lentil salad, not because you like but for sheer peer pressure.

Yama: What is happiness?
Yudhisthir: Messing up bed in hotel room, safe in the knowledge that on your return in the evening, you'd find it neatly done and trampoline-taut.

Yama: What is regret?
Yudhisthir: The nagging feeling of not being able to make the most of a complimentary breakfast even after you’ve stuffing yourself beyond capacity.

Yama: What is envy?
Yudhisthir: The overwhelming emotion sloshing in a straphanger's bosom for the seated traveller in front.

Yama: What is humour?
Yudhisthir: A natural byproduct of another person’s agony.

Yama: Well done my boy. Here’s your coupon. Finally a personal question. Was that Draupadi with painted cheeks cheering for Chennai Super Kings last night?

Yudhisthir (silent): ....Well, since you’ve already seen her... yes.

(Beginning this new series, frequency of which is as uncertain as Ishant Sharma’s future.)

Saturday, 8 March 2014

11 "Chai Pe Charcha" Spinoffs

Narendra Modi's "Chai Pe Charcha" has opened a Pandora's box.
With India set to stage world's biggest election from next month, political leaders are defying model code of conduct and interacting with the voters in secret, deliciously named interactions.

Below are 11 leaders and their campaign initiatives:

1. Raj Kachori with Rajnath Singh.

2. Chavanprash with Prithviraj Chavan.

3. Humble Pie with Digvijay Singh.

4. Momo with Momota Banerjee.

5. Modak with Modi. Calm down fanboys, I meant Lalit.

6. Muli with Mulayam.

7. Ginseng with ND Tiwari.

8. Kaju with Kejriwal.

9. Pan Vilas with Ram Vilas.

10. Jalebi with Jayalalitha.

11. Any Goddamn thing with Gadkari.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

The Great Kurukshetra Warrior Auction

Many suspect it was under pressure from N Srinivasan that Vyasa left out what was indubitably the most fascinating chapter of Mahabharata.

Well, Doosra can reliably reveal that an IPL-style auction took place on the eve of the Battle of Kurukshetra and Lalit Modi merely plagiarised the concept later on.

The Pandavas and the Kauravas staked every gold coin they had as auctioneer Vidur introduced the players.

Lord Krishna was the Team Pandava CEO, while Shakuni was his counterpart in the Kauravas camp.

Below is how the marquee players’ auction went at Kurukshetra.

Remember, you hear it here first.

Vidur: Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Kurukshetra Premier League Players’ Tournament. We’d start proceedings with Karna, the Anga King. His base price is 1000 gold coins. Do I see paddles going up?

Yudhisthir: Dear Krishna, let’s bid for him. Brilliant archer and a loyal team man. Generous, can sacrifice his wicket for teammates. We tried to fix the match and lure him into our squad but he not only turned down the offer but also threatened to report it to ICC. What say?

Krishna: Who’s the CEO here? Me or you? Listen, he’s a decent player but is doomed to choke in the end. Just like South Africa. He’s got a curse that he’d forget his deadliest weapon just when required. Let him go to the Kauravas.

Vidur: 1000 gold coins. Do I see the Kauravas raising the paddle?

Dhritarashtra: Duryodhan, from whatever little I saw of him…

Duryodhan: Cut the crap dad. You forgot you can’t see. Uncle, what do you reckon?

Shakuni: Sonny boy, break the bank but get him at any cost. Whadda player! He’d beat Arjun hollow. Dronacharya won’t coach him so he learnt under coach of all coaches Parasuram the great. Can play in all conditions. Vidur: 1000 coins one, 1000 coins two…Sold to the Kauravas! Well, next player is Bhishma with a base price of 2000 gold coins.

Krishna: We don’t need him. Too old for an 18-day battle and not retiring despite being well past his prime. Plays for personal milestones and behaves like a prima donna. Will pick and choose who he wants to duel with. No way.

Vidur: Will the Kauravas go for master blaster Bhishma? I see Duryodhan raising paddle. 2000 one, 2000 two…sold!

Shakuni: Good buy son. Bit of a pain in the neck for any captain but possesses most records worth possessing. No bowler can dismiss him. He can be out only hit wicket.

Vidur: Next player up for grab is Shikhandi and his…err…her…err whatever….the base price is 10 gold coins. Anyone for Shikhandi?

Shakuni: Hopeless. Who got this item in auction? I won’t take even if they put a gun to my head.

Vidur: Anyone for Shikhandi? 10 gold coins only…ah, Pandavas have raised the paddle! 10 one, 10 two…sold!

Yudhisthir: What did you do Keshav? What use is this Shikhandi? He…or she…has a suspect action and failed a sex test too.

Krishna: Don’t blabber. Bhishma can’t score off him. He’d keep one end tight and Arjun would dismiss Bhishma, who otherwise will bat on and on. So you spend just 10 coins and dismiss someone worth 2000.

Yudhisthir: Keshav! You’re a genius!

Krishna: Whatever.

Vidur: Well, now presenting the great Dronacharya with a base price of 1500 gold coins.

Krishna: No need to bid for him.

Yudhisthir: But he’s a great!

Krishna: We don’t need an over-the-hill player. He runs an academy in Hastinapur and is more into coaching these days. If he manages to score a few runs, you’d sledge him from behind stumps something about his son. That would unsettle him and even a Dhristadyumna can get him out.

Duryodhan: We’ll bid for him. I need someone to help me set the right field and he’s mastered Chakravyuh (raises paddle).

Vidur: Ah, so Dronacharya the great goes to the Kauravas. With that, we conclude auction of our marquee players. May the best team win.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

10 Indian state/cities and their ideal names

For reasons known only perhaps to Azam Khan's buffalos, Doosra was not consulted when names for Indian cities/states were decided.

As expected, they did a job more botched-up than Anushka Sharma's lips.

Below are 10 places and ideally what should have been their names:

1. Punjab = Sikhim.

2. Kolkata = Bhaatinda. Or Machhlipatnam.

3. Patna = Gutkhaland.

4. Post-AAP Delhi = Jhadukhand.

5. Kerala = KathMundu.

6. NCR = Okhlahoma. Home to Okhla that is.

7. Kanyakumari = Virginia.

8. Hailakandi = Alaska.

9. Haryana = Khapenhagen.

10. Assam = Rhinoam. Or Teabet. Or Chaina.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

7 Possible Reasons Why England Axed Pietersen

It cannot be just a coincidence that England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) decided to get rid of Kevin Pietersen in the same week that saw Azam Khan’s buffalos disappear and reappear under mysterious circumstances.

Neither Azam Khan nor ECB could offer convincing reasons behind the extraordinary circumstances that led to the disappearance/sacking of the sacred cows.

While Doosra cannot pinpoint the exact reasons behind Pietersen’s shock sacking, here are seven possibilities that may have forced ECB’s hand:

1. KP was caught red-handed stealing Alastair Cook's mascara;

2. KP's exciting shot-making was proving a bad influence on the impressionable young minds in a country determined to practise and perfect a brand of batsmanship that can cure insomnia;

3. KP was found to have replaced Andy Flower's shampoo with a mild pesticide and when caught, offered this bizarre explanation: "This is a standard horticulture remedy for any pest-ridden Flower."

4. His IPL earning was embarrassing UK's GDP;

5. KP was a divisive figure even at the breakfast table. While others asked for bacon and egg, he insisted on egg and bacon. It only proves KP never really embraced English culture;

6. KP winning matches single-handedly was a blatant act of defiance and gross violation of what is essentially a team game invented by the British;

7. KP often behaved as if he were KP.